Navigating the world as an empath has proven to be trying, confusing, raw, and vulnerable. As a little girl, I distinctly remember feeling “energetic pulses” around me, finely tuning a knowing of what others precisely needed to feel safe and sound. A false safety emerged in serving as a caretaker, as I exuded limitless boundaries in my giving. I perpetuated a self-fulfilling prophecy designed to superficially satisfy a yearning to belong. A sense of belonging based on the contingency that the more others needed me, the greater value and worthiness of love I felt, I was continually earning placement. Living my prophecy, I bought into a misbelief that my oversized, endearing heart was wrong, inadequate, weak and too naive to contend with perceived harshness of the world. As a form of protection, I built intimate walls, one brick at a time, to close myself in and others out. I decided, my authentic self was not worthy of sharing, my truths proven insignificant. I served as a conduit for others, until I physically weighed with anxiety, consuming symptoms of depression, and an inability to get out of my own way. A catalyst for my awakening was brought into my life, a catalyst bearing lessons.
Leave Your Heart Open
In the midst of my self-righteous position, littered with entitled anger surrounding the terms of my marriages dissolve, I decided my heart was in lock down. This was the proof I needed, I was too hard to Love. Armor consisting of walls, along side a belief that, “love was not meant for me,” soon filled my everyday experiences. An on purpose, synchronistic message from a beautiful shaman said, “Jen, the heart is never worth closing for anyone or anything.” As I reluctantly agreed, I consciously choose to stand down from my self-righteous position. I realized by living in accordance to a locked down heart, I was simultaneously locking myself in. I was isolating myself from experiencing my beautiful dance of life. Chance leaving your heart open, as it continually guides you through new beginnings, deepening connections and expansion into your desires. Dare to soften your walls, careful to summons healthful boundaries. Liberate yourself from your chains, as you feel into vulnerability. All of life is an experience abound with opportunities to grow. Choose to experience through the eyes of your heart.
In the grit and grind of life, gratitude has brought in more of the sweet stuff, by celebrating everything. When I dared to appreciate the gift that I am, including circumstances of my life, I discovered an undeniable sweetness. I had won the megabucks. Abandonment became a gift of emotional abandonment, scarcity became a gift of financial independence, rainy days became gifted self-reflection moments. By relating to myself and my “what-is” with utmost gratitude, I found the least invasive way to drop into my authentic self. I was consequently healing an old wound claiming that I was too much to love, that my oversized, endearing heart was too much. Gratitude births possibility, as it supports emotional intimacy where trust is nurtured. In sharing gratitude towards another, it lovingly communicates, “I value you,” jointly filling hearts with joy. A simple act in extension of appreciation has the power to attract more of what you desire into your life. Speak more of what feels good and right, share in appreciation for another, for your self. More of that very thing will come back to you, it is the gift of karma. Shedding the persona of how I perceived to be shut out, I see the world as an offering of opportunities and lessons. A world that I belong in, because I am on purpose.
In the past, I struggled accepting my worthiness of Love. Waiting for someone to choose me, ultimately never able to prove my loveability. The truth is, I needed to choose myself first. There was an inner awareness lurking, pointing to the lineage of women in my family serving as caretakers, who suffered great emotional tolls. With countless hours spent wondering if Love would ever find me, and in sitting with myself, it became evident, the Love I was seeking is so rich and alive in me. Who would've thought! It is my responsibility to stay connected to that very part of me, committing to seeing, accepting, and Loving myself. Taking time to ask, “how can I best nurture myself?,” is putting self-love into practice. Mothering Self is an exercise of healthy boundaries, acknowledgment of an inner knowing, and actively working my inner process with honesty and integrity. As a caretaker, I volunteered to take on others inner work, enabling them to stay in a role of victim to their life’s circumstances, ultimately leading to my feelings of burnout. In choosing myself, a shift in paradigm presented itself, an inner realigning from caretaker to nurturer, from a sympathetic to empathetic presence. Resolving guilt, there is an offering of establishing emotional boundaries, attunement to self before serving others, while offering others the dignity of their process. No more searching or empty projections, I own that I am Love. I trust that I know exactly what I need to feel safe and sound.
Proceed with Patience
Relating to myself in a loving, gentle way has brought forth a smile shinning from the inside out. In proceeding with patience, I resolved the misbelief that I knew how to relate to others, but not with my self. I was unable to see me, surely not able to accept the gift that I am. There is a delicacy in self-discovery requiring patience, gentleness and good old tender, love and care. There are no express lanes when engaging a journey Home, patience is the way through. It reminds you that you are worthy of slowing down, allowing appreciation to blanket your evolution. Patience offers compassion, as you digest a new way of being, a new way of existing with your self and the world around you. Proceeding with breaths that are full and deep, fear has no place. Slowing down welcomes a comfort you are worth.
Experiencing my world intuitively, I shed the tendency to intellectualize feelings. Gracefully moving into full acceptance that I possess a deeper knowing. No longer warranted, brick by brick, I dissolve a wall built for protection. I confess, beautiful in my own right, I am an Empath learning how to let Love in.